[Thailand] Many Elephants in an Alluring Room

Thailand is probably the most “exotic” (non-Western) country that most globetrotters are somewhat familiar with. When visiting, I often compare the tourist spots to a house party: it’s loud, rowdy, and full of crowds. That said, it entirely depends on whether you stay in a city, like Bangkok (Bangkok article), or venture the countryside. It reminds me of the Buddhist analogy, where several blind people were introduced to an elephant by touching different parts of its body. As the story unfolds, each person arrives at a different description of the same animal.

One person, for example, as if touching the elephant’s belly, may describe Thailand in terms of cuisine. In addition to Thai food being delicious, as a foreigner holding Thai currency, the average menu is very affordable. Basically, the world is your $2 Pad Thai. It’s as if you stumbled upon an open bar with an unguarded table of fancy hors-d’oeuvres of coconut creations and spicy curry delectables. In many people’s opinion, the food and drink of Thailand is reason enough to visit.

Another person, however, tugging the elephant’s trunk may describe Thailand as an endless shopping mall, an exciting place to comb through shelves and separate the bargains from peanut shells. To be frank, it’s difficult to downplay the variety of things to buy in Thailand—and not just fanny-packs and MC Hammer pants.

On the other hand, a blind person stroking the elephant’s soft underbelly may describe Thailand as a massage parlor. To be honest, it does sometimes seem that every third store is selling some kind of “Thai massage”. In terms of “special” massages, even outside the infamous Red Light Districts, you may see entire neighborhoods with inviting girls posted outside every customer entrance and storefront.

Yet, just when you suspect you found the old-bald-pervy-white-man capital of the world, another person, touching the elephant’s heart, chimes in and offers a portrayal of Thai Buddhist culture. When visiting, you may appreciate the way religion pervades everyday life in Thailand. Personally, I find it refreshing.

One particular custom you will quickly notice is the Thai greeting. Similar to the Hindu Namaste, it consists of pressing one’s palms towards another person in a prayer-like fashion as a silent way to say “Hello” or “Thank you”. What did the hipster say when asked to leave this vacation paradise? “NA’MA-STAYYY…” Jokes aside, it is very likely that, after visiting Thailand, you will want to stay.

As I said, Thailand is like a house party with many rooms. You will need to decide carefully where to wander —and with whom to mingle. Not every room will suit your taste, so don’t go opening random doors! In any case, there are a plethora of reasons why Thailand is worth an adventure.

Acquaint Yourself with Thai Food and Drink

To repeat, the cuisine is a reason itself to visit. Even if you’re not a Foodie, you may find yourself lingering around the kitchen table at this house party, astonished by the variety of ways coconut can be consumed or the way everything tastes so damn good. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten anything in Thailand I dislike. The menu is generally quite sweet, often spicy, and tends to incorporate lots of fresh vegetables and seafood. If you like coconut, you are in for a particular treat, as innumerable recipes incorporate coconut milk and other coconut products.

If you are unfamiliar with Thai food, start with Pad Thai. This rice-noodle dish consists of shrimp/chicken/tofu, egg, bean sprouts, lemongrass, and crushed peanuts. Basically, Pad Thai is the sushi equivalent of the California Roll: many foreigners never go beyond it.

In terms of drink, I recommend trying the iconic orange-colored Thai Milk Tea, especially over ice. With nearly a half-cup of sweetened evaporated milk in every glass, it’s difficult to go wrong.

Though virtually all Thai food is a safe bet, there is one particular item that tends to divide people: the infamous durian (aka “The King of Fruits”). You may even notice that many hotels forbid guests carrying it onto the premise, due to its strong, arguably offensive odor. I often hear it described as eating stinky socks —or worse. To be sure, it’s a hate or love thing. Even so, rather than eating it raw like an apple, I suggest eating it frozen. The taste is quite addictive. It’s also insanely healthy.

I also recommend trying the banana pancakes, coconut ice cream, and mango rice.

Eat Bugs —step into the future

Unlike the hobbyists in Beijing who procure singing crickets for their musical enjoyment (see our [CHINA] Being Google’less in Beijing), such critters are eaten in Thailand —at least, by tourists. Eating bugs may be as non-Western as it gets, but I strongly encourage everyone to overcome their fear. For one thing, unlike pigs or chicken (and especially factory-raised livestock), cultivated insects don’t carry the same diseases, so eating an insect is quite safe. For that reason, insect-cultivators often don’t need to use antibiotics and the toxic cocktail of germ-killing chemicals, so insect meat is quite clean. On the plus side, bugs are extremely nutritious, containing a variety of vitamins, as well as digestible proteins. Once you indulge in your first bite, it’s really no more bizarre than eating shrimp, or a handful of nuts —that happened to be shaped like little prawns. In my opinion, due to the cost-effectiveness of cultivating bugs, their nutrition, and global economic demands, eating insects is the future. Check out the documentary “The Gateway Bug“.

Besides, everyone already eats insects anyway —that is, if you consume things like table salt, pasta sauce, or chocolate. Be ahead of the curve!

Get a Massage —or several

Let’s turn our attention to the famous Thai massage. With its yoga-like stretching and intimate touch, experiencing a Thai massage is a major highlight when visiting Thailand. It’s is also very inexpensive, ranging from $8-12 CAD an hour. Of course, depending upon your comfort, you may want to specifically request a male or female masseuse (which is normal) but bear in mind that you may be asked to take off all your clothes, including the massages that don’t come with “special services”.

What you need to know:

If you are a male, you will likely be offered a “Happy Ending”. This is where the blind person, holding the elephant’s tail may complain about the disagreeable odor coming from the animal’s rear-end. This aspect of Thailand, its notorious sex-industry, often strikes foreigners as cheap and exploitative. Refer to our Magic P@$$y for a deeper exposé. In any case, don’t let the offers ruin your opportunity to get numerous, amazing Thai massages. Or the terrorists win.

Dive into Buddhist Culture

As mentioned, one of the most charming aspects of Thailand is its sincere devotion to Buddhism. It’s as embedded in Thai culture as the British drink tea, Aussie’s drink beer, and Canadians sip Timmy’s. As a traveler, therefore, you will be inevitably led to visit various temples and other places of worship. Rest assured, you will never exhaust the limit of shrines and sanctuaries —so don’t even try.

On one meander, I was taken to a particular temple which (allegedly) had a monk who had been in a ceaseless state of meditation for years —without pausing to speak, sleep, eat, drink, or even open his eyes. At the entrance, visitors were casually told that nobody knew if he were still alive. When reaching the front of the line (it was prohibited to take photos), I saw the elder man sitting cross-legged, looking as if he may open his eyes at any moment. He looked alive to me. In fact, it looked as if he may stand up, eat a Big Mac, hit the toilet, and retire to his bedroom the moment the door was closed to visitors. But then maybe not.

In any case, he was one monk of literally thousands with an amusing story. With such a large percentage of the Thai population becoming monks, for some period of time, you will see them everywhere. In busy areas monks can be seen holding a begging bowl, wearing the distinct orange robes.

What you need to know:

Being a strongly religious place comes with its own rules and customs —often enforced by law. For example, never deliberately stand higher than a Buddha statue. To that end, don’t even touch one. Also, try not to point your feet at anyone. In Thai Buddhism, feet are “dirty” and unholy. Likewise, never deliberately touch someone’s head. To that end, you should also be cautious of saying anything demeaning of the King or the royal family. The public’s devotion towards the family often seems to border on religiosity.

Lastly, think twice about coming to Thailand if you have a Buddha tattoo.

Check out a Floating Market

In addition to trying a Thai massage or visiting the temples, you cannot return from Thailand without having visited a floating market. Luckily, there are plenty to choose from —though some require an early start to your day. In a nutshell, floating markets consist of sauntering outdoors as a way to eat, shop, and take photos. As a general rule, try purchasing entrance tickets before arriving at the gate (preferably online), as the prices greatly fluctuate. Also, you may want to decide beforehand if you would like to reserve your own boat—from which to do your shopping and eating. Typically being tourist-traps, boat rentals aren’t cheap. If you do decide to wander on foot, look out for the companies that offer Thai massage while floating down the river. That may float your boat!

Tip #2:

TIP! That should be Tip#1. As a rule of thumb, everything everybody does for you comes with a small price-tag, unless of course, it was uninvited and it feels scammy. Be cool —but reasonable: rather, than counting a large billfold in plain-view of someone, I recommend reserving a pocket exclusively to hold coins and small bills for tips. A $20 Thai bill is acceptable (but not exactly exciting). Don’t give coins: besides being miserly, you will need the change to pay for coin-operated washrooms, anyways.

Tip #3:

Similar to the custom of tipping is the necessity of haggling (negotiating) prices. Ideally, this practice is neither rude nor aggressive, but a part of Thai culture. If an item is offered for $400 Baht, I recommend not doing the timid-tourist thing and counter-offer at $350 (or $380!). Instead, overcome your bashfulness and counter-offer at $200. As a general rule, cut the first offer by half and proceed from there. I even suggest making a game out of it, and including your traveling entourage. Turn it into a “good-cop/bad-cop” routine, where the “buyer”  consistently threatens to walk away. Have fun, but bear in mind that not all places engage in haggling.

GETTING AROUND:

In many areas, there is the option to take a public “bus”. Technically, this is hitching a ride on the back of a truck (not really a “bus”). These vehicles are regulated by the government and are easily recognizable. Typically, each trip costs $10/person (haggle-free), but you will need to be responsible for finding your destination. Basically, you will need to physically wave-down one of these vehicles and find yourself a seat on the back (or stand, if necessary). In addition, you will need to keep an eye on your map, ring the “bell” when you would like to depart and, upon departure, run to the driver with your $10 payment. If that is too much, there are always taxis. Of course, it is advisable to haggle upfront. I always ask the drivers if they are willing to use the meter, rather than negotiating. Still, I often have to consult 3-4 taxi-drivers before any one of them is willing. Lastly, there is the celebrated Tuk-Tuks (pronounced “tuke-tuke”). These little two-seaters are ideal for short distances but are always subject to haggling (on that note, don’t be persuaded to visit a jewelry store —it’s a scam).

We hope you have a fabulous adventure in Thailand. Be smart, be safe, and have fun! If you find yourself a little wary, please consult our Travel Fear article.